JennyJen

*No major spoilers.

Once again, I hate a book that everyone else wuvs. I don’t get it. I really, really don’t. Judging by the ratings, this book has blown people away. For me, it just blows.

It’s been a while since I DNF’d this and typically that makes it difficult to review, but the truth is, I would have reviewed it the same either way, be it then or now, because I don’t have a clue what this book was about. What I'm saying is: this review will probably also blow.

This story was like “a day in the life” with a really boring MC. Even worse, she was a Mary Sue. Vomit. Seriously. Just vomit. What’s-her-face (because I forgot her name) was such a frikkin Mary Sue that I wanted to shake the shit outta her.

Seemingly nothing happened. I mean, things were happening, but nothing was happening. Lemme break this down:

Super-speshul Mary Sue runs away from her dark past and seeks new beginning within the walls of a town of super-scary supernatural monsters. She takes a job working for the town’s “Alpha Asshole”, who immediately deems her different and, no doubt, speshul. The job is delivering parcel packages to all the super-scary monsters in town and on the outskirts of town. Yah. She’s a mailwoman. Through her innocence and the magic of her super-speshulness, she wins all the super-scary monsters over to the point that they all rally around her and want to protect her from her dark past.

While that all is the premise of the book, the majority of the time, we just follow Mary Sue around on her mundane and very boring days. We get to follow her on her boring mail route, where she consistently puts herself in danger just for the principle of delivering old packages that were left by the wayside to supposed frikkin monsters. She does this so speshully, that she earns the respect of the monsters - the same monsters who supposedly view humans as monkeys/meat.

Dramatization:

Mary Sue: Sir! I've come to bring you this package that has been sitting in the mail room for ages.

Super-scary killer monster: I don't know what to say. No one has ever come out here before. We don't usually get our packages.

Mary Sue: Well, I'm the new mailwoman in town. From now on, you will always get your packages, because it's important that super-scary killer monsters get all of their packages.

Super-scary killer monster: Respect.


She’s super-speshul, you see!


Other highlights of her days are when she looks around the mailroom and decides it needs a good cleaning. We all get to follow the cleaning along in detail. Another time, she cleans her room. That’s fun. Then there are the times when her Alpha Asshole boss bosses her around and stuff. Good times. But wait, he bosses her around and stuff, but no one else can boss her around and stuff, because he knows she’s speshul and he feels the need to protect her.

All terribly unique/creative/different/fascinating, no?

There's this one side character, that is actually interesting, that has a problem connecting to others. No one can get through to this person. Except Mary Sue, of course! On the first try, of course! Everyone tried for years to accomplish what Mary Sue accomplished on her first try. Still speshul, you see.

So that’s like 65% of the book right there. Yes, there were other characters and they did some things, but nothing was of significance. It was a bunch of nonsense. Per some other reviews I read, it doesn’t pick up until the last 10% or so. Fuck all that noise. I quit this crap at 75%. There’s only so much I can take of a boring, virginal, weak, clueless Mary Sue and her boring-ass delivery service.

Did I mention that this is a multiple POV story? I don’t automatically hate those, but this one was a mess. I didn’t connect with a single character. They were all so bland.

Did I mention there’s a catty, jealous chick who has it out for our Mary Sue? Of course there is.

Did I mention that Bishop named some of her towns Hubb, Podunk, and Sparkletown? Super-quirky and whimsical, no?  -_-

I don’t know what everyone else read that I didn’t. I just don’t know. I’m dumbfounded.

Because of all the five star reviews, I can't tell you not to read this book, but I can say that Sparkletown alone should be enough to deter you.